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I don’t really know how to describe the past two months to you…
I wonder if Metamorphosis is a painful process? It’s the only word I can think of that accurately describes what I am going through. I think it all started in Mozambique. . . . .
I have pretended, I have lied, I have discovered, I have mourned, I have loved, I have thought… I have changed. It is all their fault. If only their little hands had never clung to mine, if only the beautiful sound of their laughter had not been etched into my ears, if only their eyes didn’t pierce through my defences, if only the memory of them hadn’t triggered the sore longing in my heart.
I miss them… in ways I will never be able to express in words.
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The reality of abortion...
Gosh… I really don’t blog much, do I? Teehee.. well, I can give you an update on what’s goin on in my life, once every 3 months (atleast)…
So I’ve been reading this book, you see… It’s called ‘Red Letters’ by Tom Davis. After reading about 8 pages, my whole veiw of Christianity, and the way I seek God has changed… In short: He states that Jesus IS the beggar, in a strange way He IS the widow, He IS the orphan… by taking care of, respecting and loving them, we are actually worshipping Him. It kinda puts a twist in the whole thing doesn’t it? Turns theoligy upside down. I love it when that happens, because I’m not that crazy about religion and Theoligy etc…
I don’t know, I guess it’s just because I’ve always thought about things differently, (or just more than most people do?) Maybe I think too much. Thing is, I’ve been wondering how so many people could have heard the Gospel, and not even be moved by it anymore. How on earth could we have grown so used to the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE!?! And hw can you try to put Him in a handbook, and try to explain how He works? In a way, (and this is my opinion) that’s what theoligy does… it feeds you with so much information about the Teacher and His words, that that is exactly what they become… words. They fail to move you. I know i’m stereotiping now, I should stop doing that. But sometimes it just feels like people, pastors, are preaching their own gospel to the church. Like they’re telling them what they think God ‘ought’ to be saying to them now. I know that not everyone is doing it, but this is the general feeling I’m getting. We’re preaching prosperity, (alot of prosperity), signes of the times, healing, truth, life, hope… yes! It’s great that we preach it….. but do we LIVE it? Do we PRACTISE it?
The Gospel was not only peant to be read…
It was meant to be
L I V E D
God has layed it on my heart to start doing research about the issues of our generation of today… like Satanism, Drug abuse, sexual immorality, Self Mutilation, Depression (of which I have my own personal dark experience), Abuse etc
First one was Abortion…
He told me to search for images about abortion… and i could understand why… I had to see it for what it was to understand. I had to see it for myself. I had to realize…
I stumbled upon a website from mttu (Ministry to the unborn)…
Did you know that your baby has a heartbeat within 18-25 days after conception? You’ll probaly don’t even know that you’re pregnant by that time. In some cases, with Hypnosis, one can even be taken back to the womb, and experience feelings of rejection, fear, pain, comfort…
My heart completely when I saw the first picture. These were not unwanted parasites that would ruin someone’s life, these wer children, unwanted, yes, but still just babies… innocent. Some of them are born alive during abortion, you can only imagen the inconvenience of that, what happens next… well: use your imagination. The first picture i saw of a little baby boy, lying de-capitated in a trash bag, changed my life. Changed the way I saw sexual immorality. Changed the way I saw Lust. Changed the way I saw God.
Something about God just twists and knots my insides, hurts me so much that i wish i could sink my nails into Satan’s flesh and beat him to a pulp with my bare fists, or make me want to scream untill my lungs burn. It causes my soul to cry out to Him, in a language not even I, only He can understand. God’s compassion breaks my heart.
God knows the aborted baby boy. He formed him in his mother’s womb. He gave him a name, one this world is not worthy of knowing. He had a plan for his life, knew what he would have become, knew everything, knew his thoughts, EVERYTHING. And oh, how he loves that baby boy… He loves him with such a gut wrenching love, that no feeble human heart could ever imagine the intensity there of. God’s heart broke when that boy was ripped, hacked from the safety of his mother’s womb, when his cold frail body was later incinerated with so many other innocent children.
The thing I will never grasp about God (and that I am the most greatful for) is that God’s heart broke for that little boy’s mother, just as much as it broke for that little boy… He knows her heart, he knows her thoughts, her pain… he knows that she is being abused and raped by her father, he knows… and even if she just had the perfect life, and fell pregnant bacause of her own immorality, God still calls her back, he still knocks on the door of her heart, he still calls her to cme back to the Lover and Comforter of her soul. He knows what she gave up, he knows the emotional torture that her choices provided for her. He has compassion on her, he does not hate her (as you and I might). His heart breaks… everytime she weeps so much that it feels like her breath is stolen away from her and she will never be able to breathe again, He offers comfort, hope, forgiveness, Life, LOVE…
Compassion… is what makes my heart break for God. Not my own compassion, but His. He is rejected, hated, pursecuted, even judged by man. But one fact will always remain: THAT HE IS STILL GOD. He is still in charge. He is still the Boss. He’s still the Judge, the Creator. We still answer to His great authority, even though we are a rebelious generation. A generation that is mute, deaf, blind and ignorant.
but still…
God so loved the world…
THE WORLD…
Filed under: Thoughts....
I fell like crying now… don’t really know why.
This year’s been a complete rolercoaster… service year is no joke. I fell like I’m some tragic comic who’s heart has been ripped out, and now I’m bleeding all over the place… Can you really love some one so much, that you actually bleed for them? So much that you want to cry everytime you just hear their voice over the phone? Well… I’m sort of in a situation just like that. I miss them all so damn much. Almost feel like swearing. Stupid, amazing people who changed my life. pffft!
I think I’m just a bit lonely… I want someone here with me.. Just to talk to them… it’s sad actually… My service year friends (family) know me better than my own Flesh and Blood. Sad.
Te veel lig kan jou blind maak – Straatligkinders.
It’s true.. unfortunatly.. If you spend too much time in the light, and among other lights, you become blind to what you actually have, understand? I’m talking about Christianity here. Sometimes you need to go sit in the darkness to be able to see better. Sometimes you need to see the world for what it is, realize that you’re part of the Minority… The world is a sick place, cruel… The moral lines have been blurred to such an extend that we can’t even decide for ourselves anymore. Individuality has been suppressed, silenced, forced into the back of our minds. No one wants to stand out anymore, and make a difference for the good. Probably because anything that stands out, becomes a good target practice exersize…
I’m not afraid of the world. A part of me just wants to raech out into the darkness and just light up a match… I just want to go break the darkness, even if it were just by smiling. I know the Light within me. I know the power that it holds. I know the source of Living Water, so why should i watch His beloved lost children die of thirst? Why can’t i give them the Water they crave? Why should i watch them try to quench their thrist with the Salt water of this world… You can’t silence the outcry for redemtion. You can hide it, yes. But it is a voice that cries out from the pit of your soul. Only when you become still… you hear it. You feel the burning urge to just cry out to a Deity that can set you free…
What else can you do? It is our own pride and fear that keeps us from Him. Fear of exposure. We find ourselves priding ourselves on our shame. interresting, aren’t we?
The world doesn’t have to stay thirsty. The water carriers just have to start doing their job.
that includes me….
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I love you more than i should
so nuch more than is good for me
more than i should
oh, the timing is cruel
oh i need and don’t want to need more than i should
i am falling, say my name, and I’ll lie in the sound
What is love, but whatever your heart needs around?
Oh my sheet is so thin, so I say I can’t sleep because it’s so very cold
oh, how would I know what i need?
And if you were just near to me, would you go?
I am falling, say my name and I’ll lie in the sound
What is love, but whatever my heart needs around
and it needs you too much now…
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This is freaking me out. i can’t stop thinking about him… And inside, i desperately just want him to stop felling the way he does and just let me go. I guess that’s just the way I am.
When I’m alone and no ones interested, i kinda wish that i had some one that can hold me… someone who’ll love me just the way I am… But whenever that actually comes my way, i completely freak out. I shut down, and shut out. I don’t understand why. Maybe I’m too scared to get hurt. I don’t really like it when guys flirt with me. Especially if I don’t even know him, and he has no idea who I am. It actually makes my stomach churn. On the other hand: when it’s someone I’ve known and befriended… well… that’s a whole other story…
Anyway… enough about guys. Honestly, when i read what I’ve written, I get mad at myself because I sound like some desperate, dessolate woman who’s afraid of intimacy and commitment… Which isn’t like me at all.
Me and Naomi (a very dear friend of mine) danced in the rain the other day… And i realized that dancing in the rain is one of those things you just HAVE to do before you die, you know? We people are too busy and stressed out in our own little soundproof bubble , that we forget to appreciate the finer things in life… Like a sunrise or sunset, the detail in one single flower, the wind through your hair, the sun kissing your skin, the moon, the stars… have you ever wondered how many magnificent shooting stars you’ve missed in your life, just because you couldn’t take two minutes to lie on your back on the crisp, cold grass, and just appreciate the veiw?
It’s something me and MJ did quite a lot, and once there was this huge meteor that burned out in the atmosphere. It was amazing! It stretched across half the sky, and lasted about 1.5 seconds. To tell you the truth, I was thrilled that i could share something like that with someone… because usually I’d see these things and no one else would see them, and they won’t believe me, or nearly appreciate it as much. I’m glad I shared it with him…
I really miss him. I listened to a song Trespassers William sings calle “Lie in the sound”, and it pretty much spelled out how i feel about him. Exactly. I’ll post the words for you soon…
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YAY! My very first blog entry! HOORAH!!
Just to kind of give you an idea of what’s goin on in my life… I’m gonna start off by giving you two words:
OH CRAP.
I’m finding myself in a rather sticky situation with someone who I hold very dear too my heart, seeing that he’s a good friend of mine, and I know I can trust him with anything, and I can tell him EVERYTHING… And I never once even thought that my hart would flip over twice when i would look at him… dear blog, my dilemma is this:
I am in love with my best friend.
And i have no idea what to do. He broke up with his girlfriend not even a month ago, (Luckily it had nothing to do with me)… I’ve known him for something like 10months, we did service year together, and it actually feels like i’ve known him for my whole life. We’ve laughed together, cried together, all that jazz. At one stage he started seeing me as a guy with long hair (or so i thought). We’ve been spending an awefull lot of time together the last 2, 3 months… Every second night, we’d just lie beneath the stars and talk. I’ve gotten to know his heart, learned what makes him tick. I’d learned to love him, inspite of his mistakes. BUT I didn’t love him in THAT way, you know?
Today’s Sunday… Thursday night was the last night we could just be together, and i looked forward to just chatting the night away with my dear amigo. We just lied beneath the stars till something like 2am… something happened that night, that i’m not even sure i understand (no, he didn’t kiss me or anything, in fact it was kinda the opposite of that) As i was lying there, next to my dear friend, i realized that he would be taking a huge chunk of my heart with him when he gets into his car the following day…
He didn’t know that I’d fallen in love with him that week. I tried to deny it with every fibre of my being. I tried to hide the fact that my heart flipped over twice when i saw him… Everytime he hugged me, I had to force myself to let go. I would catch myself smiling whenever I thought of him. Everytime he’d look into my eyes, my knees would go weak, and something inside me would just wish he’d see it……. and kiss me.
Now… Here’s the REAL dillemma: Two days ago, the day we said our goodbye’s… he confessed to me that he’s actually crazy about me, and he’s been feeling like that for the last 5 months. (AAAAH!!)
SO… WHAT THE FAH AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
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